Maybe you've been here before too. I guess it is something we humans collectively experience just at different points of our lives. The 3 a.m. and crying yourself to sleep as you feel like no other human on this planet could possibly comprehend the pain you're in because you're all alone in your suffering. Or maybe it is a 3 p.m. at a gathering surrounded by so many yet feels like you're all alone. Regardless, the similarity in both scenarios is the thought that you're deserted and no one will ever understand what it feels like to be where you are. Yet even without adequate evidence, the human mind jumps to that conclusion further perpetuating the endless cycle of more isolation and lesser connection even when you already feel lonely; especially when you feel lonely.
But to what extent is this true?
How lonely are we after all? And what does it actually take for us to connect? Brene Brown PhD, a research professor from the University of Houston found that the only difference between people who have a strong sense of love and belonging compared to people who don't is that they believed they were worthy of love and belonging. Those people were also the ones who experienced greater connectedness. One of the things that were common among them was vulnerability, which for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.
Yet we live our lives in a way that is totally opposite to the conducive conditions required to nurture vulnerability. We have written 'weakness' in red marker (all caps) and slammed it on top of vulnerability. Any sign of being expressive of one's feelings, emotions and/or struggle will be labelled feebleness or purely attention-seeking. Once my quest, to paint pictures of my feelings as Instagram captions stopped since a friend asked, "Don't you feel naked? Having all your scars exposed?". This is another way we have labelled vulnerability, as shame, that is often equated to being naked. And we wonder why the world feels lonelier every single day.
Vulnerability is letting people see us for who we truly are.
Yes, the beautiful flowery parts of us that make people want to be head over heels with us and also the broken and damaged parts that we are ashamed and fearful to even admit they exist. It is to lay all that we are including the mistakes and shortcomings on a table for the other person to see and understand. It is to be the first to say 'I love you' or 'I miss you' or even 'I was wrong and I'm sorry. Please tell me how can I do better'. It is anything that allows people to truly see you, for you, as the mighty human mess you are and still be deserving of love.
Maybe when we're being vulnerable enough we'll start to understand how wrong we've been about being alone in this world. The last time I opened up to my friend and let my emotions pour out of me, she thanked me for it. She said, "Somehow when people share their struggles and worries, it makes me feel so much less lonely knowing that I'm not the only one struggling to survive hard days. Even when your hardships have no similarities with mine, it felt like I had company". When I first wrote an article about what I learnt from my parents' separation and put it online for the whole world to see, a friend I barely talked to replied "I read this and cried. I too come from a broken family. So thank you for making me feel like I too have a friend who knows how it feels like to go through the same struggles". Maybe this thought, knowing that our struggles are not unique regardless of how alien it feels, is what we need to connect more. And that can only be achieved by being vulnerable.
For so long we have deeply misunderstood vulnerability with the wrong labels and tried so hard to numb it because we didn't want to feel the fear, despair and shame that comes with it. But Brown says that we cannot selectively numb. That we cannot numb the hard feelings without numbing joy, gratitude and happiness. They come through the same door that we are all desperately trying to shut and secure with hundreds of locks and toss the keys away.
So, be brutally honest, be true of all that you are.
Of all that you are on the inside and outside. And as we strive for all the good and bad through vulnerability, it's not only about being a little more vulnerable as you move through life, it is also making it safe for the people around you to be vulnerable too. That means to understand that no one is perfect, and everyone is trying their best and they don't deserve to be judged and pushed away for that. Because vulnerability is empowering. It is the most humane thing you can experience. Thus, it deserved to be glorified for what it is. A strength. And most importantly believe. Believe that you are enough and worthy of love and connection because you are. Because we all are.